Phonetic Phone Etiquette
Posted on February 25, 2005 by Tito
Like thousands before me and since, I spent many an hour as a telemarketer taking orders for just about everything you can order by phone. Along the way, I talked to people from all over the US of A. I like to think I learned a lot from these people, not to mention a thing or two about myself. I wish I’d have written some of the best calls down – the ones I mistakenly thought I would NEVER forget* – but, I now know it is too late for that. But here are a few enduring memories/thoughts.
- People ordering Beavis and Butthead merchandise make the worst. prank. calls. ever.
- "Rio Hair" may have been the worst product/company of All Time. If you tried this stuff, I’m curious to know if your hair has grown back, resumed normal color, etc… Please leave a comment or email me. Seriously. I would like to know. From some of the calls I took, I suspect buyers would have been better off in government radiation / mind control experiments.
- I would not be surprised to hear that Louisiana had the worst schools in the US.
- Since I took calls for many competing companies’ products, I would usually have to learn from the caller what they were calling to order – all the while feeding their assumption that I was an expert on exactly what they wanted. Despite their assumptions, I had no idea what they wanted until they told me, often for products I have never heard of before or since. If I ever go into politics, this skill** may come in handy. Specific moral to this story: Do not laugh yourself into a hernia when the caller says without irony "I would like to order the Butt Master".
- People calling to learn about Jerry Falwell’s "university" are surprised to learn that while they cannot spell "Xerxes", others can. To this day, I do not know if there is spelling portion in JF’s curriculum.
- Nothing, I say, Nothing***, would drive me crazier than callers who wanted their packages delivered via "Ups" (not U.P.S.). To this day I still foam at the mouth at the thought. I have no doubt that telemarketers who are dispatched to their special section of hell will be delivered by Ups, goddam Ups.
To what do we owe this bizarre trip down memory lane? Jessa at bookslut linking to this article profiling Paul Topping (pronunciation expert for audiobooks) where he humorously laments "linguistic anarchy".
During a recent afternoon in the company’s studios, for instance, an audiobook narrator – let him go nameless – entered Mr. Topping’s office holding a list of troublesome words, including "LED," as in an alarm clock’s light-emitting diode. "Do you say" – the actor spelled the letters out – "L-E-D or led?"
"On this planet we say L-E-D," said Mr. Topping, wearing an expression that was equal parts amusement and acid-reflux, the expression of a man who has heard Beijing, bruschetta and Chile mangled too many times.
* Although none hold a candle to the stories my uncle told from his days as a Greyhound bus dispatcher. I’m specifically thinking of the indignant caller trying to buy a ticket to Hawaii.
** Voters only want politicians who have skills.
*** Foghorn Leghorn voice taking over.
» Filed Under Language, Look Away! It's My Brain
